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ROBERT Q. LICHTENSTINE:

I WAS BORN IN 1939, HOLY CRAP THAT'S BEFORE THE MIDDLE OF THE LAST CENTURY. 

I’VE BEEN MARRIED SIX TIMES, AND I AM CURRENTLY MARRIED TO MY SECOND WIFE EDNA JEAN. YOU MAY BE SAYING HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? WELL I MARRIED AND DIVORCED MY FIRST WIFE DARLENE FIVE TIMES. WHY YOU ASK? FOR THE WEDDING PRESENTS, WHAT ELESE. HEY DON'T KNOCK IT, I'M STILL UNWRAPPING BRAND NEW TOASTERS. 

WE HAVE ONE SON NAMED ALFONSO, TWO GRANDCHILDREN AND NO PETS. WHY NO PETS? BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FEED THEM. WE BARLEY HAVE ENOUGH FOOD FOR THE TWO OF US.

I AM A RETIRED TOP FORTY DJ, MY ANGER THERMOSTAT IS STUCK ON PISSED OFF, I’VE GOT A PROBLEM CONTROLLING MY BLADDER, I’M LOSING MY HAIR, BUT THE HAIRS IN MY NOSE AND EARS GOW LIKE POT IN A HOT HOUSE.

I HAVE A YOUNGER BROTHER NAMED FARLEY, HE’S A RETIRED PROCTOLOGIST WHO LIVES IN PRESCOTT, ARIZONA. FARLEY TRIES HIS BEST TO AVOID ASSHOLES BECAUSE HE’D BEEN AROUND THEM ALL HIS LIFE.

OK, I’M NOT DONE WRITING THIS BULLSHIT BIOGRAPHY OF MINE, BUT I GOT TO GOT TAKE A LEAK. I GOT A BLADDER PROBLEM, REMEMBER?

 

EDNA JEANE LICHTENSTINE:

I WAS BORN ON JANUARY 12TH IN A HOSPITAL AND THE YEAR IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

ROBERT AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR THE PAST 39 YEARS. THIS IS MY FIRST MARRIAGE AND ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT I MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY BAD IN MY PAST LIFE TO GET WHAT I GOT IN THIS ONE, BUT I WOULDN'T TRADE A SINGLE DAY THAT I'VE SPENT WITH ROBERT, BECAUSE LIFE IS NEVER DULL WITH THAT OLD BASTARD.

I AM A RETIRED QUILT MAKER AND PART TIME WET NURSE. I AM NOW ROBERT’S FULL TIME WET NURSE AND AT TIMES I’D LIKE TO CHOKE HIM WITH ONE OF MY OLD QUILTS, BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT ONLY ABOUT 98% OF THE TIME, THE REST OF THE TIME I WOULD LIKE TO PUSH HIM IN FRONT OF A SPEEDING BUS. BUT WE LOVE EACH OTHER MADLY AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.

WHEN I’M NOT COOKING FOR HIM, I’M CLEANING UP A MESS THAT HE’S MADE AND WHEN I’M DONE WITH THAT I HAVE TO GO AND MAKE HIM A FUCKING SANDWICH. I GOT TO GO HE’S CALLING ME AGAIN.